Reading a lot about pleasing people and how it leads to worse things than just being yourself. I keep trying to make people like me, but why? It is because I am nervous that they won't like the real personality. I have had trouble with male friends in the past because they don;t like that I try so hard to please them. Girls aren't as weird about this trait. I just need to be myself more often and forget that other people are able to hurt or take advantage of me. This is my lesson in life right now. I am especially learning to talk without pleasing others, and just be myself when I speak. The fact that other people don't listen can bother me and it is probably since I am not even saying what I am thinking for real.

In the past I have liked to paint a lot. However, every thing external has told me that painting will not be successful if I try to push it forward. Similarly, I was told in very clear terms that I did have voice talents like singing and acting. However, I grew out of this and became interested in painting. I also did photography, printmaking, and sculpture, with clear messages from all of those not to pursue it.

If I want to be happy in life, I want a successful plan for myself. I am majoring in sociology and environmental fields right now and I get very positive feedback. It seems like my best work position would have to do with field work or environmental work. Painting can be with me for life. What do you think is the sign of a successful life and career?

I think I am listening to the universe and hearing it tell me "soemthing's wrong". But what is wrong? Well, my dad is drinking. A lot. And it hurt our family, even my mom wants to go and take away off some time. My dad just drinks and doesn;t listen to us tell him we want him to stop hurting us. And he puts my little brother in danger while he is recklessly throwing away his life on this stuff. He is now taking my brother to the bajamas, to get drunk, party with girls and gamble. But he told my mother he wouldnt drink this time because he got so drunk and my little brother was really hurt by it all.. so he said he wouldnt drink, and he would come back and go to AA AFTERWARDS. But seriously if he relaly cared enough about my little brother, about or fsmily, and he relaly wnated to be a better person and stop his problem, he would not have gone there with my brother in the first place. I am confused and terrified about my brother alone with my father. I don;t have any control. My boyfriend is not someone I caqn turn to for help right now.. I feel he is just away and I am also having my own work.. and my mom is just overwhelmed. I can only talk to this journal right now. It helps me to paint and it helps to just focus on work.. and not think about the things that are going all wrong all the time. I just want things to stay how they have been.. and no divorce.. and no financial struggling.. i did it all already.. and my fsmily is falling apart...I don;t know where to turn.